What Could Have Been
by SKingList
Summary: Olivia faces a personal crisis. Set in January 2005 but no spoilers for the show.
1. Missing Him

Set in January 2005, but no spoilers as it's total AU. Usual gang is around, and Kathy and Elliot are still married. One change, actually, Cabot is still ADA. Pretend 'Loss' never happened. No good reason, other than I prefer Cabot to Novak.

No summary as of yet, you'll figure out what you need to know as the story progresses. Maybe I will as well ;) I have no idea where this is going. Procedure in the Church may not be 100 accurate, been a while since I was there. I'm not sure if the time hopping is too much, hopefully it's clear enough to follow.

Main characters not mine, I'm just borrowing. I promise to return them intact, though Olivia may be a bit worse for the wear. I suppose you could call Mark, Susan and Michael Roberts, Peter Jackson and John O'Reilly my own, but if you want them, enjoy.

Comments loved.

What Could Have Been: Missing Him

Chapter 1/?

--

Mt. Carmel Church

The Bronx

January 27, 2005

Olivia stood on the sidewalk in front of the Church in her dress uniform. Two uniformed officers were in front of her, and one was on the right side of the casket, which was resting on its base until the procession began. Three uniformed officers, two Detectives and a Lieutenant serving as pallbearer. She looked around at the sea of police officers.

She'd attended way too many of these in her time on the Force. In the days, weeks and months after 9/11 she got numb, but you never get used to it, never. After trying her hardest to get the other Detective to turn around by staring at his back, she searched the crowd for a comforting face. Her eyes eventually locked with those of her Captain, standing a few feet behind her and to her right.

"Are you OK?" Cragen mouthed. He knew she wasn't _OK_ in the usual sense, this was not a duty anyone wanted, but he meant at the moment, was she OK to serve as pallbearer.

Olivia nodded. She knew what he meant. She was glad he was there. Close enough in case she needed him. He would attend the funeral of any member of the NYPD, but this funeral was different. She knew that somewhere in the crowd, not far from them, were Fin and Munch as well.

Olivia faced forward again, not wanting to see anyone else. She sighed, inspecting her white gloves for any dirt. There wasn't any. There hadn't been any of the other five times she'd checked in the last ten minutes either. Elliot looked over at her from his spot on the right side of the casket. She'd been very quiet since they arrived, accepting his hug, but not saying much. "Sleep OK?" he'd asked.

She shook her head, "You?"

"Neither." And that had been the extent of their conversation that morning. Though the fallen officer, Mark Roberts, didn't work in close proximity to them, in Manhattan even, they all knew him well and felt his loss.

Olivia finished looking at her gloves and looked over at Elliot, a trace of tears in her brown eyes. He wished he could go to her, but the Mass was about to start. As the first notes of the funeral procession began, Elliot indicated upward with his pointer finger, their signal over the last few days. Olivia nodded, forcing a slight smile. "Thank you," she mouthed, as she bent to lift the casket. As the procession began, Olivia thought back to how this whole nightmare had begun.

Special Victims Unit

Squad Room

January 24, 2005

"Olivia, can I see you for a moment?" Cragen called from his office door.

"Be right there," Olivia said, rising from her desk.

"What's up?" Elliot asked from across their shared desk.

"No idea," Olivia said, truthfully.

"Hope you don't get detention," Elliot said with a laugh.

"Ha ha," Olivia said, as she walked toward Cragen's office. Walking into the Captain's office, she immediately noticed the presence of a uniformed officer. "Hi, Pete," she said. Peter Jackson wasn't Mark's partner, but he worked as closely with him as Olivia did with Munch or Fin. As it dawned on her that Pete wouldn't be down this way, from the Bronx, unless something was up, she heard the door shut behind her. 'Wha-What happened?' Olivia asked. Not getting an immediate answer from Pete, she turned to Cragen. "Tell me, please."

It seemed like ten minutes to Olivia, but in reality was only a few seconds before Don put his hand on her forearm and began to speak. "Mark and John were on patrol when they were called to a domestic dispute. A woman was complaining that her husband was threatening her, but there was no mention of a weapon. When they arrived on the scene, the wife thought the husband had fled the house. Mark and John were checking the house when the husband surprised them."

"Which hospital is he in?" Olivia asked.

"I'm sorry Liv," Cragen said.

"No," she said sharply, pulling her arm away from Cragen. Turning to Peter, she said, "Please, where is he?"

Peter shook his head, finally finding his voice. "He died on the scene."

Olivia blinked back tears, "And John, is he?"

"He was shot in the arm, but he returned fire and killed the husband. He uh, he asked me to come tell you."

Olivia nodded, "Is he with Susan and Michael?"

"Yes, but he wanted me to tell you that Mark said..." There was a pause as Peter reached in his pocket for a piece of paper where he'd written the message. "He said 'Love Mom, Dad, Liv...And tell Liv I...there for them.'" Peter said slowly, reciting it as John had told it to him. "I'm sorry, Olivia," Peter said, reaching for Olivia's arm, but she pulled back.

"I need air," she said, heading to the door.

"Go take a walk," Cragen said. "Take whatever time you need."

Olivia opened the door and strode through the bullpen, not even stopping to get her coat, or look at Elliot. She heard him call, "Liv?" but she didn't stop. She wasn't sure where she was headed, but she needed air. It felt as if the walls were closing around her. A few minutes later, she found herself on the roof, gulping for air.

"This can't be happening," she said. "Not now."

She thought about the last two and a half years, she'd been happier than she'd ever remembered being. She'd met Mark one evening at a play, not even knowing he was a cop. They'd both just gone to the bar during intermission and had struck up a conversation while they waited on line. After the play, the friend she'd gone with had to get home, and Mark had come to the show alone so they'd gone out for coffee and exchanged numbers. Pretty soon, they were spending most non-working evenings together. They'd celebrate their third anniversary in May, and they were talking about a trip to celebrate.

Olivia had no idea how long she'd been standing up there when she felt something on her shoulders. She turned slightly and saw Elliot there, and he'd draped her jacket on her shoulders. "Did we get a call?" she asked.

Elliot shook his head. "I just didn't want you to freeze up here." He could see the tear tracks on her cheeks, but had no idea what happened.

"How'd you know where to find me?"

"Six years together, lucky guess," Elliot said.

"Cap told you what happened?" Olivia asked, knowing he wouldn't have done that, but hoping he would have so that she wouldn't have to.

"No," Elliot said.

Olivia took a deep breath, and then blurted it out in a quick breath, thinking it would be easier. "Mark's dead."

"What? How?" Elliot asked, shocked.

"Domestic dispute, surprised by the husband," Olivia said, reciting it as if it were off a report. She was in shock, Elliot realised.

"I'm so sorry Liv," Elliot said, wrapping his arms around her. She rested her head on his shoulder, but the tears didn't come. "Is there anything I can do?"

As they reached the front of the Church, they rested the casket on the base. Olivia swallowed a lump as they turned back to the pews. Mark's parents were in the first row on the right side. As she reached their row, she offered her hand to Mark's father, who was sitting on the end. "Thanks for doing this, Olivia," he said.

She nodded, unable to speak, at first. Finding her voice, she said, "I wouldn't be anywhere else." Olivia, Elliot and the other pallbearers took their seats in the first pew on the left side. Olivia took the seat closest to the wall, closest to the door.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honour and remember Mark Roberts," the Priest started. That was all Olivia could recall from the Mass, when she was asked about it later as her mind started to wander.

The past four days had been a blur. Cragen had given her the time off, of course, but she'd come in each day before going to the wake in the late afternoon. There was nothing she could do for Mark's family, and she couldn't sit home. Burying herself in her work was what she always did best.

She was OK the day it happened. She'd stayed on the roof with Elliot for a bit before getting a call from Mark's father.

Special Victims Unit

The Roof

January 24, 2005

"Benson," she said, surprised at her cell ringing. Elliot was up here with her, and Cragen, Munch and Fin would guess where she was.

"Hi, Olivia," a somber voice said.

"Michael," she said, walking away from Elliot.

Respecting her privacy, Elliot tapped her on the shoulder as she walked away. She turned and he gestured downward. "I'll come back up if you need me," he whispered. "Just call."

Olivia nodded, "Thank you," she mouthed. Turning her full attention back to the call, she continued. "I...I just got the news. I'm so sorry." She fumbled for words, not knowing what to say. "Do you and Susan need anything? What can I do?"

"Thank you," Michael said. "We're OK. John is here, as is their Lieutenant. I just wanted to see how you were doing?"

"Thank you," she said, touched by their concern for her at this time. "I'm..." Olivia trailed off. She wasn't OK, but certainly their grief was worse than hers. She'd had him for two and a half years, they'd had him for thirty-one. "I'm numb," she finally admitted.

"I think we all are," Michael said. "Can I ask you a favour?"

"Name it," Olivia said, reaching in her jacket pocket for a pen.

"Susan would like to see you, so would I. Can you come by tonight?"

"Of course," Olivia said. She'd wanted some space when she got the news, but she dreaded the thought of going home. Alone. She and Mark had spoken earlier and he was supposed to be off earlier and had said he'd start dinner.

_Alone_. Olivia thought. For years, she'd treasured her space, fiercely guarded her privacy. But now, she hated the thought of being alone. Being without Mark. "Let me wrap up a few things here, and I'll come over with dinner. Pizza OK?"

"Sure," Michael said. "Thank you."

It was nice to spend the evening with them; they'd helped one another. She had a feeling why they wanted to see her, to connect with Mark. He'd spent a lot of time with Olivia lately, she'd been with him on his last night alive, and his parents wanted to feel close. Olivia wanted to help them as well. In the last two plus years, they'd grown close. Not having a family of her own, she felt very welcome with them.

"Mark loved you, Olivia," Susan had said.

"And I loved him," Olivia had responded.

"I still love him," she thought to herself as the Priest spoke. She fingered the necklace he'd given her for Christmas, and the charm that hid beneath her sweater when she visited Mark's parents. Today, the necklace was tucked beneath her uniform. She'd never take it off.

She still carried a piece of him with her.

To Be Continued… 

December 22, 2004

_A/N: Yes, shorter than what I normally write, but when I wrote the whole bit, I decided to break it up here to serve as an intro. Please don't hurt me. If you do, I can't finish the fic. _


	2. Going Forward

See Part 1 for all relevant background information. I have no idea when Olivia's birthday is, as I don't think we've been told.

Summary: Olivia's boyfriend of two and a half years, Mark Roberts, was killed in the line of duty on January 24, 2005. This piece picks up on January 31st.

Main characters not mine, I'm just borrowing. I promise to return them intact, though Olivia may be a bit worse for the wear. I suppose you could call Mark, Susan and Michael Roberts, Devan Patterson and Greg Parson my own, but if you want them, enjoy.

Comments loved.

What Could Have Been: Going Forward

Chapter 2/?

Special Victims Unit

Bull Pen

January 31, 2005

Olivia's desk was a mess, and she really couldn't make heads or tails of anything this morning. Her concentration was shot, and she'd been reading over the same file for the last half hour and the same page for the last five minutes. She was supposed to go over her testimony on the Patterson case with Alex in ten minutes, and at the moment she couldn't even remember Patterson's first name.

Reaching in her top drawer for something and finding it, she stood and headed toward the coffee machine. She returned to the desk a few minutes later with a cup of coffee for Elliot, a cup of tea for herself, a handful of Munchkins, and placed her unused teabag back in her drawer. Putting the napkin and Munchkins down between them, she asked Elliot, "Know anything about the box of teabags by the hot water?"

Elliot nodded. "I noticed you'd been drinking tea more often than not, and I remembered you liked Celestial Seasonings."

"Thank you," Olivia said. "Though the lack of caffeine is probably not helping my concentration, I'm jittery enough as it is. That's why I decided to lay off the caffeine."

Elizabeth nodded. "Makes sense. Is there anything I can help you with on Patterson?"

Olivia shook her head. "It's all here," she said, gesturing to the file on her desk. "I just need to get it here," she continued, pointing to her head.

"Maybe if I hit you with the file?"

"If you do, you'd better start running," Olivia said, a trace of a smile appearing on her face. The first in a while. She'd spent the better part of the weekend helping Mark's family with his apartment. He'd already paid February's rent, and the Landlord had said they could have as long as they needed, but Mark's parents wanted to do it sooner rather than later. "Family is in town," Michael had said. "This way if there is anything they want." Olivia had known that it would be hard, but she'd underestimated how hard. When Serena died, there wasn't much of anything she wanted to keep, but with Mark, she could not help but think of all the time they'd spent in the apartment.

Elliot was pleased to see the smile on her face, it seemed natural. He hoped things were getting a little easier for her. "Day by day," she'd told him one day last week. "It's the only way I can do it, little by little."

"Baby steps," Elliot had said, thinking of the corny Bill Murray movie that had used that line.

"Yes," Olivia had said. "And I remember what you told me, what he told me. That he's watching."

Olivia took a deep breath, her attention back on the file. "Why did Petrovsky decide she wanted to hear the Defendant's Counsel's arguments first thing tomorrow?"

"She's sadistic?" Elliot offered.

"Or wants to punish Alex for something. I'm sure Liz or Arthur told her that Alex was out of town on the conference and only returning today."

"Speak of the devil," Elliot said, as Alex walked in with Fin.

"Hi guys," Alex said, walking over to them.

"How was the conference?" Elliot asked, as Olivia furiously went over the notes again.

"Good, good," Alex said. "Feels like I never left though."

"Petrovsky made sure of that, didn't she?"

"Oh don't get me started," Alex said with a laugh. "Olivia, you ready to go over this?"

"Yeah," Olivia said, gathering the papers into the folder. "Anyone need the Interrogation Room in the next little bit?"

"No." Elliot.

"Nope," Fin.

"I'll just kick you two out if I do." Only Munch.

"Glad to know we're loved," Olivia said, following Alex, who was already halfway to the Interrogation Room.

After just a few minutes going over the file, Alex sighed in frustration.

Olivia bit her lower lip, knowing she was rightfully about to bear the brunt of Alex's irritation.

"Olivia, I need your help here. I cannot make my arguments tomorrow based on shuffling papers." There was a pause as Olivia looked down at the papers, shuffling them in a hope to find the answer to a question that she no longer remembered.

Alex knew something was up, this was unlike Olivia, but she wasn't sure how to approach it. Tossing down her legal pad, Alex snapped. "Olivia, I need your attention. I need you to focus. Otherwise, this case is going to go up in smoke and you can take it up with Liz and Arthur, not to mention Cragen."

Olivia threw down the Patterson file and stood up. Striding across the room, she flung open the door, leaving it to smack against the limits of its hinges and slam closed as she fled the bullpen and the guys' worried looks.

Alex glanced at the ceiling as she gathered her papers. Clearly, she should have gone with another approach. She loved working with SVU, but sometimes she felt that no matter how long she worked with them, there was no understanding them. She was always on the outside.

Slowly, she walked out of the Interrogation Room and toward the other Detectives, who were looking at her, shocked. She was glad Cragen wasn't in his office. She didn't want to have to explain what happened. Hell, she didn't know what happened.

"OK," Alex said, looking from Fin to Munch to Elliot. "I'm clearly missing something here."

"What happened?" Elliot asked.

"I have no idea," Alex said honestly. "We were supposed to be going over Patterson for tomorrow. She wasn't concentrating and I asked her to work with me and..."

"Shit," Elliot said.

"What?" Alex asked.

"I know you were out of town last week, but did you hear about Mark Roberts?"

"Olivia's boyfriend? No. Why?"

"He was killed last Monday."

"Oh my God," Alex said, bringing her hand to her mouth. "I had no idea. I feel horrible, pushing her."

"I should have told you," Elliot said. "I assumed Liz would have mentioned it to you, but then..."

"No, it's OK. Any idea where she might have gone?"

"Check the roof," Elliot said.

"Thanks. I'm going to leave my briefcase here while I go talk to her."

"I'll make sure it doesn't run away."

Fin said, "It's going to be a long afternoon. Going to pick up something for lunch now while it's quiet. Takers?"

"Nahh," Munch said.

"Count me in," Elliot said.

"If Olivia will talk to me, I think we'll go grab something and go over Patterson, but thanks."

"OK, Elliot, where from?" Fin said.

"Thanks guys," Alex said, heading out the door. She climbed the stairs and took a deep breath before pushing the roof door open.

Olivia had been standing at the edge, her hands on the railing, just looking out over the city and replaying the scene with the ADA. She'd overreacted. She hated it when her emotions got the better of her. Ever the attentive Detective, she heard the light taps of Alex's heels as she walked across the roof. Turning slightly, Olivia said softly, "You didn't know."

Alex shook her head. "I had no idea. So I'm sorry for being an ass and pushing you in there, and I'm very sorry to hear about Mark, he was a great guy."

Olivia nodded. "He was. Thanks. And I'm sorry for storming out, I just..."

Alex raised her hand. "No apology needed."

"If you give me another five minutes, ten tops, I'll get the Patterson stuff sorted in my head."

"I have a better idea. Let's go to the cafe around the corner. I need food if I'm going to be of any use on Patterson either."

"OK," Olivia said, hoping to put her outburst behind her.

After stopping briefly in the squad room for their coats, they headed to Luigi's, a frequent haunt of the Detectives when they wanted to have a working lunch out of the squad room. The owner knew this, and led them to their usual booth, around the corner from the others.

After ordering their lunch, a bowl of tomato soup for Olivia and half a cheese sandwich for Alex, they set to work on Patterson. The Patterson case had started off simply enough, a girl had been raped at a party and traces of GHB had been found in her blood. She'd named an acquaintance from school, Gregory Parson, and his DNA had matched the rape kit. It had been too easy, Olivia had thought. Sure enough, it had rippled out. When all was said and done, it turned out to be a case of a man named Devan Patterson supplying girls for entertainment at parties in exchange for access to GHB, Ecstasy and a host of other drugs. The kicker, Patterson was 17.

"Seventeen," Olivia thought. "How on earth did kids get so fucked up so early?" she wondered. She and Elliot had worked this case, and it was solid. Patterson's attorney had wanted to talk deal, but the DA's office wasn't budging. Olivia knew she had to focus; she didn't want to chance making it any less airtight than it was. As she sipped her soup, she realised that once she concentrated, she had most of the answers that Alex needed, and what she didn't have at her fingertips, she could memorize by tomorrow morning.

"Thanks for being patient with me," Olivia said, as they wrapped up.

"No problem," Alex assured her. After a moment or two of silence, Alex continued. "I'm not going to say I know what you're going through, or how you feel, since each case is different for everyone, but I know what it's like to lose someone you're involved with. And..." Alex trailed off, not knowing how her offer would be received. Deciding it couldn't hurt, and couldn't get worse than this morning, she continued. "If you ever need or want to talk, you can call me."

"Thank you," Olivia said, taken by surprise. "I appreciate that, I do." She hadn't really talked much about what happened. Not to Elliot, Mark's parents, or anyone. She didn't anticipate discussing it with Alex either, but it was nice to know there was someone who might understand some of what she was feeling.

It had been a hard week. She'd gotten through the first few days on sheer adrenaline, and the need to stay focussed, but in the afternoon after Mark's funeral, she'd been able to slow down, and that wasn't good. It made her think too much.

Roberts' Home

684 E. 189th Street, Bronx

January 27, 2005

As Olivia sat on the edge of the couch in Mark's father's study with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands, needing to be away from everyone for a moment, she was vaguely aware of someone standing in the doorway, blocking the light from the hall. Before she could look up, the person walked away. "Good," she thought. Tears were welling up in her eyes and she just wasn't up to facing anyone right then.

After a minute or two of pulling herself together, she stood up and looked at the photos on the wall. She'd seen them many times before, but it didn't matter. Mark had been an only child and there were photos of him from when he was a baby, through school, vacations, the Academy, and even one of the two of them at the beach last summer. "I miss you, Babe" Olivia said, touching the photo. "I miss you so much," she continued, a solitary tear making its way down her cheek.

She wasn't sure how long she stood there, just staring at the photo, when she heard footsteps behind her. "Hey, Liv," Munch said.

"Hey," she said, turning to face him. "I didn't realise you were still here."

Munch nodded. "A call came in, but Fin took it with Elliot." Seeing the look of concern on Olivia's face, he added, "Orders from Cragen. Said you had enough on your plate today."

Olivia nodded. "You heading back to Manhattan tonight?"

"Yeah. Probably in a little while. Want a ride?"

"Just as far as you're going, you don't need to go out of your way," Olivia said, as they made their way back to the thinning group of Mark's friends and family. "Let me just see if Michael or Susan need anything before I go."

"Take your time," Munch said. "I'll have another go at the desserts."

Olivia approached Susan, who was sitting with her sister. "Hey, Olivia," Susan said, looking up.

"Hi, how you doing?"

"Hanging in there."

Olivia nodded, not sure at all what to say. "I was thinking about heading home in a few, if there wasn't anything you two needed."

Susan shook her head, "I can't thank you enough for all you've done for us this week. Will we see you this weekend?"

"Sure," Olivia said, embracing Susan. "And call me at any time if you want to talk before then."

"I will," Susan said. Calling to Michael, who stood a few feet away, "Walk Liv out?"

Olivia laughed. "I have to get my jacket and collect Munch first. Take your time."

About ten minutes later, Olivia walked out with Michael, while Munch went to pull the car around. "Thanks for everything, Olivia."

"You're welcome. And if you need anything at all..."

"I know. Did Susan mention this weekend to you?"

"She asked if she'd be seeing me. Is there something planned?"

"We were thinking about starting on Mark's apartment. That way if anyone wants anything."

"Oh, boy," Olivia thought. She wasn't sure she was ready for something like that. She'd do it for Mark's parents though. "What time?" she asked.

"Not sure yet. Can I call you tomorrow?"

"Of course," Olivia said, giving Michael a hug as Munch pulled up.

"Thanks again," he said, returning the hug.

As Alex went to the ladies room, Olivia pulled the silver necklace from beneath her sweater and fingered the small silver charm, with a peridot at its centre. Her birthday was in June and Mark's in October. The baby was due right between the two.

-December 24, 2004

A/N: Am I evil? No. Never.


	3. Time for Sharing

See Part 1 for all relevant background information.

Summary: Olivia's boyfriend of two and a half years, Mark Roberts, was killed in the line of duty on January 24, 2005. This piece picks up on Tuesday February 15th

Main characters not mine, I'm just borrowing. I promise to return them intact, though Olivia may be a bit worse for the wear. I suppose you could call Mark, Susan and Michael Roberts, and Dr. McLaren my own, but if you want them, enjoy.

Comments loved.

What Could Have Been: A Time for Sharing

Chapter 3/?

Roberts' House

The Bronx

February 15, 2005

Before Mark had died, Olivia had requested a long weekend over Valentine's Day so that she and Mark could go away. When he'd died, she'd considered cancelling and just working the weekend, but decided instead to go. She didn't want to be in the City, surrounded by memories of things she and Mark had done. Instead, she'd gone upstate to the Mohonk Mountain House and enjoyed a long weekend of spa treatment, reading and watching the snowfall. It was good to get away for a few days, and Olivia felt that it really helped her. Everyone had been good to her, offering to talk, taking her out, but sometimes she just wanted to be alone to sit and think, to remember.

She'd returned to the City early this morning in time for a doctor's appointment, and now was going through with plans that she and Mark had made before he died.

She took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. A few seconds later, Michael opened the door. "Hi, Olivia," he said. "Come in, come in," he continued, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

The snow was still falling lightly, so Olivia shook off her coat before coming in. "Great to see you," she said, bending down to loosen her boots.

"How was your weekend?" Michael asked, taking Olivia's coat.

"Nice," Olivia admitted. "It was good to get away for a few days. Did you two do anything special?"

"Just went out to dinner," Michael said.

They walked into the kitchen, where Susan was putting the finishing touches on a roast. "Hi, Olivia," she said, wiping her hands on her apron as she crossed the kitchen.

"Hi Susan," Olivia said. "I brought brownies."

"Thanks, you didn't have to." Susan said, taking the plate and giving Olivia a kiss.

"I know, I wanted to."

"Can I get you something to drink?" Michael asked. "Beer, soda..."

"A glass of water would be fine," Olivia said, smiling at the thought. She'd gotten some funny looks over the last few months when she refused beer, wine or coffee, but soon it would be in the open. When they'd scheduled today's OB/GYN appointment and ultrasound, Mark and Olivia had decided that this would be when they'd tell others. They hadn't decided whether they wanted to find out the sex, but Olivia had opted this morning not to find out. Not yet anyway. "That's good," Dr. McLaren had said. "Because the baby's facing into you and we wouldn't be able to tell today anyway."

Olivia couldn't help but smile at that. When she and Mark had discussed finding out the baby's sex, he was more in favour of being surprised, She couldn't help but think today's episode was partially his doing.

"Water it is then," Michael said, while topping off Susan's glass of wine and getting himself a fresh beer.

Susan washed her hands and said, "The potatoes need about fifteen more minute. Let's go in the den."

As they walked in, Olivia found that she was surprisingly nervous. She'd been thinking a lot over the last three weeks about being a single mom. Although she and Mark had both known the risks and accepted that either, or both, of them could be hurt in the line of duty, she'd never imagined raising their child without him. At times, it was hard enough thinking that they were going to be parents.

Olivia's Apartment

December 2, 2004

Olivia was pacing. Pacing and glancing at her watch. Mark was due home any minute and she was nervous. Not nervous, a wreck. When she was on one of her 'return' paces, facing away from the door, she heard a key in the lock. She turned on her heel so that she was facing the door when Mark came in. "Hey, babe," he said.

"Hi," she said, looking up, but still pacing.

Mark came up behind her. "Liv?" he asked. "What's the matter?" He put his arm around her waist and turned her toward him.

She took a deep breath. It was now or never. "I'm pregnant." She wasn't at all sure what his reaction would be. There was no question that they were committed to one another, but they hadn't planned on a child. Not now. Olivia was nervous, very nervous, but also happy.

She felt Mark's finger under her chin as he lifted her chin so that she'd look him in the eyes. When she did, she saw a smile on his lips and in his eyes. It was a relief. She let out a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding in, and a smile crept across her face. "When did you find out?" he asked.

"Only a few minutes ago. I timed it to do just before you got home so I wouldn't go out of my mind."

"Or wear out the floor."

"That too," Olivia said, as Mark leaned in for a long kiss.

When they broke apart, Mark knelt down in front of Olivia, raised her shirt and kissed her belly.

Later that evening, they'd discussed the practical side of things, but it was enough to know that though the baby was not something they planned, it was something they both wanted.

Olivia found herself again taking a deep breath as she sat in the chair opposite Michael and Susan. "I have some news," she started slowly. "Some news that will surprise you, but in the end I think will make you quite happy."

"Happy, I could do with happy right about now," Susan said.

Olivia opened the envelope she'd been carrying and wordlessly passed the photo of the ultrasound to Michael and Susan. She enjoyed seeing the look on their face when it dawned on them what it was. "Congratulations," Michael said, rising to give her a warm hug.

"I'm so happy for you," Susan added. "How far along are you?"

"Sixteen weeks. Did you know? Have any idea?" Olivia asked.

Susan shook her head, but added with a smile, "It explains the water."

"I knew that would give it away eventually," Olivia said. "But I also wanted to tell people before I started showing."

Susan nodded. "I started showing early with Mark, so I didn't really have that option." After a moment's pause, she asked what she'd wondered since Olivia broke the news. "Did Mark know?"

Olivia nodded. "We found out just before Christmas. This was when we'd planned to tell you. We wanted to wait until I was out of the first trimester and then when we scheduled this ultrasound, we decided we'd tell you immediately after." Turning to Michael, Olivia said, "You're not surprised, are you?"

Michael shook his head. "I mean, I didn't know for certain, but..." He stood and said, "I'll be right back."

Olivia looked to Susan, who said, "I have no idea."

Olivia found she was nervous. One of the reasons that she and Mark maintained their separate apartments, despite spending nearly every non-working night together, was due to Mark's parents. They loved Olivia, but they were traditional Catholics and Mark and Olivia respected them enough not to go against their wishes about living together before marriage.

Early in her pregnancy, Olivia had broached the topic with Mark. "Do you think your parents will be OK with it when we tell them?"

Mark nodded, without hesitation. "They're traditional, but they understand things are different now." After a moment's pause, he continued. "And though they may wish we'd done things in a different order, I also think they'll be thrilled at the idea of having a grandchild. And knowing that you were the mother. They love you, Liv. Almost as much as I do."

At the time, the discussion had eased Olivia's worries, but now she found they were back. Michael seemed happy, but there was something else there. Something that concerned her. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Mark was supposed to be there beside her. They were supposed to be together as they shared the news. Closing her eyes, Olivia could almost feel his arm around her.

A moment or two later, Michael returned to the room. "My turn for good news, and a bit of a surprise," he said, sitting back down beside Susan. Olivia could tell by the look on Susan's face that she truly had no idea what Michael was up to. That made two of them.

Michael started slowly. "Mark never told me that you were pregnant, but he came to me earlier this year and told me that he wanted to think about looking at a house. That his apartment was getting too small." They shared a laugh at that, Mark had had a wonderful two-bedroom apartment, and the master bedroom was the size of some Manhattan apartments. "So I knew he was talking about something for more than the two of you."

Olivia was surprised. Not that Mark had been thinking about a house, because they'd discussed that. But that he'd also talked to his father about it. This meant it was more than talk. "God, Mark, I miss you so much," Olivia thought. "I miss having someone to talk to. Someone to come home to." Outwardly, Olivia nodded. "We were thinking about it, had even looked at some listings just to see what was out there," she admitted.

Michael had more to say, just as Olivia thought. He reached in his pocket and said, "We also talked about something else and..." he trailed off, thinking of what else Mark might have planned to be telling them that day. Slowly, he withdrew his hand from his pocket, and in his hand was a small black jewellery box. Mark had told him he was going to look, and after he'd looked at a few, they'd gone to the store together to look at the one he'd chosen. Michael had been somewhat surprised at the timing of shopping since Christmas had just passed and Olivia's birthday wasn't for a few months, but Mark had said "It will be our third Valentine's Day together. I want to do something special."

Michael didn't know he'd bought it, until he found it in his night table drawer when they were cleaning the apartment. Slowly, he passed the jewellery box to Olivia, but didn't say anything as she opened it. She inhaled sharply and drew her hand to her mouth. The ring was beautiful. She found herself blinking back tears. They'd talked about the future, but she had no idea he'd bought a ring. She loved it, but right now she'd trade it, and a million others, to have Mark beside her.

She looked to Michael and Susan and saw they both had tears in their eyes as well. "Thank you," Olivia said softly.

"I wasn't sure when to give it to you," Michael admitted. "I wasn't sure if you knew about it, and I nearly gave it to you when we found it in the apartment. But I'm glad I waited."

"I am too. I had no idea he'd bought the ring," Olivia said, taking another breath to compose herself. She was happy, but she also missed Mark very much. She missed his caring touches, the smell of his after-shave. Though she'd changed the sheets on her bed, she hadn't been able to bring herself to change his pillowcase. Almost a month later, and his scent was still there. He was there with her.

Special Victims Unit

Squad Room

February 16, 2005

It was Olivia's first day back to work following her long weekend, and so far it had been a busy morning. Though Olivia was well-rested from her long weekend, she'd stayed late at Mark's parent's house the night before and she was a little tired as a result. Periodically, she looked at her ring finger. Michael had insisted that she keep the ring, but she didn't feel comfortable wearing it.

Feeling a rumbling in her stomach, Olivia looked at her watch to see it was just past Noon. She looked across their desk at Elliot, who was focused on a file in front of him. "Hey El," she said softly, not wanting to scare him.

"One sec," he said, making a note on a list he was keeping with the file. Finishing, he looked up at her, "What's up?"

"Can you break for lunch?"

"Sure," Elliot said, sensing she wanted to talk. "Let me wrap up this section? Five minutes tops."

"Fine," Olivia said. "I need to talk to Captain quickly anyway and go to the Ladies' Room. Meet you in the hall?"

"Sure."

Olivia stood, putting on her leather jacket. It didn't button as easily as it used to, and Olivia realised that she'd soon be doing some shopping. Crossing the bullpen to Cragen's office, she knocked softly on his open door. "Have a sec?" she asked when he looked up.

"Of course, Olivia," Cragen said, putting down his pen. "Take a seat, close the door if you want."

"Not right now, I'm headed out to lunch. I just wanted to know if you had time this afternoon to talk?"

He quickly looked at his calendar. "I'm free pretty much until 3."

Olivia nodded, "I'll come talk to you when I get back from lunch then. Did you want anything while I'm out?"

"No, thanks. But stay warm, it's freezing out there."

Olivia smiled. "I will. See you in a bit."

Cragen smiled as he watched her go. It had been a hard month, but she was doing OK. "She's a tough kid," he thought.

Olivia was just coming out of the Ladies' Room when Elliot came down the hall. "Did you have anywhere in mind?" he asked, as they headed out.

"Luigi's?" she offered. "Anywhere that we can sit and talk is OK with me."

"Luigi's it is," Elliot said, as the two Detectives walked briskly, trying to keep warm.

It was busy due to the noon rush, but they were seated quickly. "Do you know what you're having?" the waiter asked, coming just as the host left.

Olivia looked at Elliot, who nodded. "What soups do you have today?"

"Pasta fagioli, tomato and chicken noodle."

"I'll have a bowl of chicken noodle and a grilled cheese sandwich please," Olivia said.

"And I'll have a bowl of tomato with a grilled ham and cheese please," Elliot said.

"Coming right up," he said.

Olivia watched him walk away, also surveying the restaurant to make sure no one else they knew was around. This did not get past Elliot, who asked, "What? Planning to tell me that you found Jimmy Hoffa?"

Olivia laughed. It helped her to relax. "Nothing that exciting, but I do have some news," she said. "And while it's not top secret, I don't want anyone to overhear just yet."

Elliot nodded. He was concerned, but she seemed happy, so he wasn't too worried. He was glad she wanted to talk to him. He'd been there for her throughout the last few weeks, but always felt like there was something more he should be doing. At the same time, he knew that he knew far more than others did. Several afternoons they'd been on surveillance and she'd just talked. She'd started, and she'd later said it was like a damn had broken. They'd wrapped surveillance, with Munch and Fin catching up with the suspect at work, and Olivia and Elliot had gone for dinner, where she just talked more.

"I'm sorry I've talked your ear off," Olivia had said.

"Don't, I'm glad to help," he'd responded.

"You're a big help," she said. "More than you know."

Olivia took a deep breath, "I've rehearsed about seven different ways to say this, but I think the easiest is the simplest. I'm pregnant."

"Congratulations," he said, coming around to her side of the booth to give her a hug. "I'm so happy for you."

"Thank you," Olivia said, returning the hug. She looked over at him and said, "You knew all along, didn't you?"

Elliot nodded, "But I wanted you to tell me when you were ready. I knew you would."

"I appreciate that," Olivia said. "What was the giveaway? The coffee?"

"That was a big one," Elliot said. "But also, you look different. Not that you're showing or anything, but I saw Kathy through three pregnancies, I know the look."

"Just please tell me that I don't look like she did when she was carrying the twins."

"No," Elliot said with a laugh. "More the Kathleen and Maureen look. Do you know what you're having?"

"No, not yet. I went for the ultrasound yesterday, but the baby wasn't cooperating. I think that was Mark's doing, he didn't want to find out." Olivia was silent for a few moments, waiting while their soup arrived. After quietly stirring hers for a bit, she continued in a low voice. "I was so scared that I was going to lose the baby. From the beginning, my OB called it a high-risk pregnancy due to my age, and then with the stress of the past month... Mark and I had decided that we'd tell people after yesterday's ultrasound, but I kept having dreams that I miscarried and I..." Olivia trailed off for a moment before continuing, "I've already lost Mark, I can't lose the baby."

Elliot didn't know what to say, there were no words to reassure her. Again, he came around to her side of the booth, and this time he slid in next to her. He covered her left hand with his and put his right arm around her waist. After a moment, he said, "I cant tell you anything that you don't already know. Just take care of yourself."

Olivia nodded, "Thank you," she said.

"And if you need anything, anything at all," Elliot said. "Just ask. You can call me at any time, you know that."

"I do," Olivia said. "And I know I'm overreacting, it's just that..."

"Don't worry," Elliot said. "It's quite normal." After a moment's pause as he moved back around to his side of the booth, he went on, "Now I'm not saying that you can't be on the streets while pregnant, but I think maybe you should consider desk duty."

Olivia nodded. "I don't think it's even going to be a question, once I tell Cragen this afternoon."

"Probably not," Elliot agreed. "So I'm the first to know?"

"I told Mark's parents yesterday evening when I went for dinner, but other than that, yes. I'm going to tell the guys today, I was thinking about seeing who wanted to go out after work."

"Count me in," Elliot said.

"Good," Olivia said. Elliot hadn't been able to join them the last few times they'd gone out. "It will be nice if everyone is free, it's been a while."

"It has," Elliot admitted.

Special Victims Unit

Squad Room

February 16, 2005

Olivia and Elliot walked back into the squad room around 1, and Olivia was shocked to see a bouquet of flowers on her desk. She looked over at Elliot who said, "Don't ask me, I was with you."

Before even taking off her coat, Olivia reached for the card, which read:

_Dear Olivia, _

_Congratulations. We are so happy to hear your news. _

Love, Michael and Susan 

Olivia smiled slightly, tucking the card into her top drawer as she leaned over to more closely examine the colourful flowers. There were yellow lilies, white daisies, and several other flowers that Olivia couldn't identify. She retreated to a quieter corner of the bullpen and reached for her cell phone. When she got Michael and Susan's machine, she waited for the beep before saying, "Hi, it's Olivia. The flowers came when I was at lunch, and they are beautiful. Thank you so much. I'll speak with you soon."

Cragen's door was closed, so Olivia headed back to her desk. "Mark's parents," she said to Elliot.

"I thought it might have been. They must have been so surprised."

"Susan was," Olivia said. "But Michael had an idea." Dropping her voice, Olivia said, "Mark had talked to him about buying a house and..." She trailed off for a moment, emotions catching in her throat.

Elliot reached across the desk for her hand, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to talk about it."

"I do," Olivia said. "He... Mark had bought a ring," she whispered.

"Oh Liv," Elliot said. "Michael told you about it?"

Olivia nodded, "He gave it to me. He didn't know for sure that he'd bought it, but then found it when we were cleaning Mark's apartment. Mark told him that he wanted to do something special for Valentine's Day." A single tear rolled down her cheek, and Olivia quickly wiped it away. "It's hard," she said softly.

Elliot nodded, not knowing what to say.

"Thanks," Olivia said. She didn't need to say for what.

"No problem," Elliot said. "I just realised, I forgot to ask you the most important question."

"What's that?"

"When are you due?"

"August 5th."

"Summer baby, just like Mom."

A few minutes later, Cragen strode back into the bullpen. "Olivia, glad you found your flowers, they came just after you left. Sorry I'm late, I got called into a meeting."

"That's OK," Olivia said. "Take your time and call me when you're ready."

"I am now."

Following Cragen into his office, Olivia shut the door behind them and sat across from his desk. "You doing OK, Liv?" Cragen asked.

"It's getting easier by the day," Olivia said. "There are still some moments that are very difficult though."

"There always will be. Even years later."

Olivia nodded. Cragen didn't talk much about his late wife. "And it's been good to know everyone is around if I need to talk."

"And we always will be."

After a moment's pause, Olivia said, "What I wanted to talk to you about today was some time off."

"Of course, what do you need?"

"Not now," she said. "Early August, around the 5th?"

"Sure. Two weeks?"

"Maybe a bit longer." Olivia saw the confused expression on her Captain's face. "I'm pregnant," she said quietly.

Cragen could not hide the shock on his face. "Congratulations," he said, rising to give her a warm hug.

"Thanks. That's what the flowers were about, I just told Mark's parents last night."

"Did Mark know?"

Olivia nodded, "We've known for a few months, but my OB warned me that it was a high-risk pregnancy due to my age so I wanted to wait to tell anyone until I was out of the first trimester."

Don nodded. "Makes sense. I want you on desk duty. I'll work on your leave, can I get back to you with details later in the week?"

"Sure, there's no rush. I'm not sure how long I'll want to stay out for, may depend on what my doctor says."

"Of course. You do what you need and we'll make it work."

"Thanks. I was also wondering, are you free this evening? I just told Elliot the news and want to tell Munch and Fin and was thinking that we could all go out for something to eat."

"Sure," Cragen said. "I wouldn't miss it." After a moment's pause he said, "Liv, I'm very happy for you."

"Thank you."

As Olivia walked back toward her desk, she reached beneath the shirt for the necklace Mark had given her. It was nice to be able to wear it in the open now.

-December 30, 2004

_A/N: You know what, the more I write, the less I like of this story. Grr. It's too 'happy'_ _and those of you who've read my ER Fics know I don't do 'happy' well, I get bored. _


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